A look at how traditional Indonesian values on love and marriage compare with modern, global perspectives.
When Neil, a financial advisor from London, and Emi, a Jakartan bank clerk, planned their wedding, the first question wasn’t about the venue—it was about how to honour both their cultures.
Indonesia, with its rich traditions and high prominence placed on family values and culture, contrasts significantly with the more laid-back and less regimented background that Neil was used to. Hence, flexibility, patience, and understanding were required in equally large measures from both parties before preparations could even get underway.
Times are changing, and modern globalisation means citizens of the world are in ever-increasingly close contact with each other. Thus, cultures and outlooks are merging at a quicker pace than ever before.
However, in some senses, the more things change, the more some stay the same, and Indonesia has its blessed traditions and ways of life that, although altered to a degree, are here to stay. These – naturally – contrast with some of those from the West, and no more so than in the area of ‘Love and Romance’.
Traditional Indonesian Views on Love and Marriage
The expectation of marriage is still fairly prevalent in Indonesian society, and although ‘arranged marriages’ may, mostly, be a thing of the past, there is still very much a strong sense of family involvement in the coupling of partners.
Weddings truly are a celebration; not only for the happy couple but also for the entire expanded families on both sides. The Big Day is just as much their day as the happy couple’s. Part of this sense of family pride can be explained by the concept of gotong royong or community spirit. This concept can best be described as ‘collective cooperation for the greater good of the (immediate) community’.
It is a wonderful concept in which arms are figuratively opened to accept new members into the community and family. However, it takes some getting used to for those unaware. This is because, oftentimes, in Western communities, the family ties are not as strong. Therefore, a sudden change where all appear to be paying attention and interest to one’s marriage can be overwhelming for a Westerner.
Modern Perspectives on Love and Marriage
As the world gets smaller due to globalisation and technology, attitudes and outlooks start to shift as well. Thirty-something years ago – when your intrepid writer first came to live in Indonesia – opinions on ‘bule’ were often garnered from TV programmes such as Beverly Hills 90210 and the original MacGyver series. This outlook often resulted in conversations being initiated along the lines of “Why does everyone in the West sleep around?” (90210) or “Western guys are very strong and smart, aren’t they?” (MacGyver).
Whilst such conversations were often both amusing and entertaining, they did illustrate how cultural differences could be inaccurately perceived at times.
The advent of technology has brought societies more in touch with one another and, to an extent, there has been an alignment in outlooks on life and lifestyles. As a result, increased exposure to global ideas of love, partnership, and individuality has occurred. Every generation shifts slightly in terms of outlooks on life compared to the one preceding it, and today’s young Indonesians are no different. The rise of apps like Tinder and Bumble has changed the dating landscape pretty much globally, and young Indonesians now have, at the touch of a button, access to hundreds — if not thousands — of new people.
Has this phenomenon reduced levels of natural bashfulness amongst today’s Indonesian youth? Are they now more inclined to experiment in the dating field than in bygone days and hence, be less likely to ‘settle down’ or, indeed, to simply ‘settle’?
It could be argued also that other dynamics are changing in modern society. Whereas marriages between people in their early to mid-twenties used to be relatively commonplace – and even the norm in certain societies – now there seems to be less of a rush to get to the altar amongst some. Advances in medical technologies have also meant biological time clocks tick slower than before.
As educational opportunities have continued to grow over the past few decades, the number of dual-income households has risen, and a shift away from women staying at home. These changes bring about different challenges, however, as modern couples are charged with negotiating independence while respecting familial expectations.
Balancing the Two Worlds
Ultimately, how can these perceived obstacles be overcome? Well, without professing to have all the answers, my time in Indonesia has taught me that open communication with all parties is essential.
Flexibility and willingness to really listen and learn from those around you will go a long way, and although one may sense an intrusion of one’s personal space in the beginning, an open dialogue helps to smooth the transition.
Shared values such as love, respect, and partnership, although differing to a degree from culture to culture, have enough similarities to be universal as long as the effort is put in. To ensure this, open communication with families and partners about expectations concerning the wedding, as well as the marriage in general, is needed. The wedding itself can be organised in consultation with cultural or wedding experts to blend traditions thoughtfully.
In the end, whether they’re exchanging vows under a tumpeng (rice cone) or in a sleek Jakarta ballroom, couples like Neil and Emi prove that love is strongest when it builds bridges between the old and the new.