The best policy for most festive expatriates is to huddle together like Antarctic penguins at someone’s pied-a-terre and drink themselves into a traditional Yuletide stupor.
The deep snow drifts, scarves, and mittens of another bitterly frosty Indonesian Christmas are once more upon us. Well, in terms of inclement weather, it is at least raining with dependable frequency now, but seasonal Christmas cheer may certainly be a little thin on the ground in the world’s largest majority Muslim nation — and this is only to be expected, of course.
The plastic trees, spray-on snow, and rotund expat Santas in the capital’s shopping malls are the only real reminder of the winter festival and are, of course, indicative of the true meaning of Christmas, namely material consumption. That said, I will not be buying presents for any of the saturnine sods that make up my group of friends. However, in terms of my personal consumption, I shall, no doubt, use the holiday season as an excuse to consume my own body weight in Bintang, blue cheese, and chocolate-covered cashew nuts.
I’ve tried to inject a little festive cheer. I do have a tree, although it’s a rather Lilliputian effort, being literally inches in height. It’s the thought that counts, I suppose, although Santa’s going to have a few issues stashing my presents underneath this plastic sprig unless he’s got me a flash disk and a packet of Fisherman’s Friends. Which is probably more than I deserve in any case, as I definitely haven’t been a good boy this year.
I may get away with my less-than-exemplary behaviour though as I’m on first-name terms with not one but two Santa Clauses. The first is an Australian gentleman that I know from my local tavern. This hale and hearty fellow has managed to win himself gainful, part-time employment as Santa Claus at no fewer than four Jakarta shopping plazas this year. Being blessed with that Kenny Rogers look that middle-aged Western gentlemen often grow into has made picking up lucrative Santa contracts as easy as falling off a midwinter log for this guy.
The second Santa of my acquaintance is a Dutch chap and about seven feet tall, rotund, and full of seasonal goodwill. Alas, Santa number two has only managed to secure employment from a single Jakarta mall this year. However, I’m sure that he’s making enough from a few days of “ho ho ho”-ing to purchase a few brandies that should help him to keep out the bitter cold and ensure that his cheeks are flushed with a sufficiently rosy hue.
And so, it’s Christmas time, mistletoe, and wine (full import-duty paid), with logs on the fire (turn the AC down for that authentic winter glow) and Yuletide has returned once again. The best policy for most festive expatriates in my view is to huddle together like Antarctic penguins at someone’s pied-a-terre and drink themselves into a traditional Xmas stupor whilst munching on dry turkey and halal sausages, listening to an MP3 compilation of Christmas hits and trying to avoid contracting dengue fever.
Alternatively, one can head out of town and hit the beach, which can make for a pleasant Christmas break, despite the fact that the experience will be even less festive than the previous option, although Australian readers may disagree. Bali can be a genuinely decent choice for an enjoyably festive, fun Christmas and New Year’s break, and there’s usually a real party atmosphere in the air, although the island becomes even busier than it normally is these days. So, I try to avoid battling my way out of Ngurah Rai airport at this time of year.
However, bargain fans, hot newsflash, in a not-at-all cheap populist move but genuine gesture of seasonal goodwill, the new government has decided to lower domestic flight fares by 10% for the duration of the Christmas and New Year holiday season this year for a period of 16 days between the 19th of December, 2024 and the 3rd of January, 2025. So, look out for unsold tickets, and don’t forget to pack your shrimping nets.
Hardcore Santa groupies may, instead, be tempted to bag a Bluebird taxi down to one of Jakarta’s five-star hotels and pay through the nose for an impersonal Christmas lunch with all the trimmings whilst some unctuous jazz pianist bashes out “White Christmas” in the corner. However, if you prefer your musical entertainment to be a little higher adrenaline, then this year’s Djakarta Warehouse Project (DWP) 2024 can be found at JI. Expo Kemayoran from the 13th until the 15th of December, so get your festive glow sticks and enjoy a techno yule.
Last weekend, alas, I scoured one of the city’s crowded malls for one of the two Santas of my acquaintance but could find neither on duty. Perhaps kids these days, metabolisms accelerated by high fructose corn syrup and social media, prefer to cut out the middleman and cut straight to the presents. “Merry Christmas and what would you like for Christmas son!?”, “Shut up and give me the iPhone, Kenny, I haven’t got all day.”
Nevertheless, queues for consumer durables and yuletide gifts were large at my local mall this week. I think, though, that if I were a Christian parent, I would be tempted to just pop around to the local mini-mart to buy a few packets of batteries. I’d then attach notes to the packs that said, “Toys not included,” before wrapping them and stowing them under some nasty plastic excuse for a tree.
Can I take this opportunity, though, to wish a merry yuletide midwinter solstice to one and all? I hope that you manage to get away for a few days of rest and relaxation in the sun. If you do, then spare a thought for those celebrating in cold countries, trapped indoors for days on end with their families. What a fate. As some bright spark once said, “Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.”
The author of this article, Simon P a.k.a. Mr. P, is the voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of ‘Indonesia Expat’.