Kenneth Yeung explains the real meanings behind the most common cliches in the ongoing plague of unreadable drivel generated by Artificial Idiocy.
Over the past year, there’s been a pandemic of meaningless, moronic writing masquerading as “content”. From bloated self-congratulatory posts on LinkedIn and inane advertorials to unpalatably padded corporate emails, this unstoppable plague is also infecting journalism and academic writing. The cause is ChatGPT, used by cretins to churn out utter garbage.
Prior to the advent of AI software, if you wanted to be a good writer, you had to be a good reader. Now, AI reads everything for you and regurgitates it, not unlike how a dog eats its own vomit. Many professional writers have become addicted to the verbal vomit produced by ChatGPT and/or other AI resources. The laziest of them don’t even bother to change the auto-generated content. Some try to disguise their laziness by altering a word here and there. Others give instructional prompts like, “Write this in the style of the honeyed prose of Kenneth Yeung,” but the inevitable tropes always give them away.
Business writers tend to place far too much emphasis on something called Search Engine Optimisation (SEO), which means parroting a bunch of hackneyed “keywords” in the hope their website will rank higher on a Google search result. Thanks to ChatGPT, these idiots can now effortlessly excrete perfect SEO blather – blithely unaware that original content, concise communication, strong results and word-of-mouth testimonials will generate greater credibility and attract more business.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m no Luddite lamenting the loss of the horse-drawn fountain pen. AI is still in its relative infancy and will massively change the future of writing, translating, editing, and much more. What irks me is that companies, governments, and “experts” are presently producing infantile AI-generated trash, which serves only to make people dumber. No doubt, future versions of AI tools will produce better prose – but for now, we are trapped in a fetid quagmire of idiotic buzzwords.
When humans eventually lose their critical thinking faculties because they’ve lost the ability to communicate effectively, it may be too late to combat the onslaught of AI-generated garbage, weaponised by oligarchs and their political patrons to keep people compliantly stupid.
So with that cheery thought in mind, here’s a quick guide to understanding today’s most commonplace corporate content. Less is more; so feel free to stop reading this putrescence at any time.
What ChatGPT Content Says | What It Really Means |
| We expertly navigate the evolving digital landscape. | We are too stupid to explain what we actually do. |
| We excel in crafting exquisite beverage experiences, delivering products that resonate with the tastes of consumers across various age groups. | We profit by getting kids addicted to sugar-filled drinks. |
| We prioritise a range of wellness outcomes in our commitment to consumer choice. | We don’t care if our customers get diabetes. |
| Indulge in this premium product for an elevated experience that aligns with contemporary preferences and lifestyle choices. | Buy this overpriced crap. |
| Moving forward, we remain committed to engaging with key stakeholders to facilitate robust results. | We entrust our writing to a halfwit addicted to ChatGPT. |
| Our unparalleled expertise extends beyond conventional consulting approaches. | We use lots of big words to say nothing and then charge you a fortune. You fool! |
| Optimise your infant’s nutrition with our meticulously crafted formula, thoughtfully developed to provide essential nutrients for optimal growth and development. | Stop breastfeeding. It’s better for our profits. |
| Her dedicated performance encompasses a broad spectrum of online engagement strategies. | She posts AI-generated nonsense and calls it a strategy.
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| He pushes the boundaries to shape the sector’s future through a comprehensive holistic and forward-thinking approach. | He uses words like “holistic” to disguise his ignorance. |
| Additionally, it is important to note that key concepts may vary in substantive significance. | This vague disclaimer is not remotely important. |
| I regrettably experienced a sustained delay in submitting the work promptly due to unforeseen online commitments that required my immediate attention. | Working from home, I spent the day watching online filth, so I haven’t even started your stupid report. |
| I carefully crafted a groundbreaking automated solution using my programming prowess to safeguard our digital realm. | I copied and pasted some code for a simple login system. It failed a day later. |
| We are dedicated to pioneering sustainable resource extraction practices, fostering mutually beneficial relationships with local stakeholders, while complying with traditional customs in our pursuit of mining excellence. | We engage in irresponsible mining and bribe crooked local authorities. |
| We unleash the power of top-notch, cutting-edge technologies to provide state-of-the-art services. | I work in marketing and don’t understand what my company does. |
| Our game-changing initiatives redefine scalable frameworks, proactively driving seamless convergence and optimising future-proof ecosystems to maximize global mindshare. | My only skill involves using ChatGPT to make buzzword salads. |
| By harnessing the transformative power of storytelling, we embark on a trajectory with meticulous flair, offering personalised refinement to relish in every moment, embodying each milestone along the way. | Reading our annual report could put you into an irreversible coma. |
| A rich tapestry woven with diverse experiences. | We are morons. |
| We delve into the intricate complexities of Indonesia’s dynamic energy landscape. | We give readers fatuous cliches, not facts. |
| Our unwavering dedication to providing exceptional hospitality services ensures a stay that exceeds expectations, where comfort and quality converge seamlessly. | We run a hotel. |
| We immersed ourselves in a dynamic discussion with both our esteemed partners and valued shareholders to ensure continued growth and success. | Our company is losing money. |
| Our financial journey embodies a transformative essence that transcends outcomes, primarily fostering a paradigm shift. | We lost money because we are dumb. |
| We are committed to continually improving our plastic packaging to minimise any unintended environmental impact, working towards a more sustainable future for a greener planet. | We will continue selling single-use plastics that end up in landfills, rivers, and the sea.
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| We emphasise the paramount importance of embracing sustainable practices in the dynamic landscape of Indonesian business. | We throw the word “sustainable” around to give the impression that we care about the environment. |
| We engaged with esteemed stakeholders, cultivating a meaningful dialogue. | No one remembers what we talked about. |
| These prestigious accolades mirror our dedication to providing unparalleled experiences and maintaining the highest standards of excellence. | We paid for a vanity award. |
| As companies grapple with the dynamics of diversity, our steadfast commitment to inclusivity becomes a beacon of hope. | We’ve been criticised for sexist and racist HR decisions. |
| By leveraging innovative solutions, we maximise the potential for unprecedented success. | Nothing. |
| Our heartfelt gratitude to our distinguished panellists and esteemed moderator for a truly enlightening and enriching discussion, which is fostering meaningful impacts. | Thanks for not sleeping during this snore-fest. |
| The seminar was enhanced by a sophisticated culinary experience that featured a meticulously curated selection of gastronomic delights and invigorating refreshments, thereby augmenting the substantive networking endeavours. | People only showed up for the free lunch. |
| This innovative capability not only streamlines and expedites the intricate sales process but also showcases a steadfast commitment to the delivery of exceptional customer service. | Don’t believe a word we say. |