Love in the Time of Covid:
We all know Valentine’s Day in Indonesia is an infidel celebration of promiscuity, where men prove their love by wasting money on stupidly overpriced roses and restaurants. But COVID-19 has changed the rules for exchanging tokens of affection.
So here are 10 culturally acceptable activities for showing some love in this lovely archipelago.
Make Some Noise.
If you’re a man with a pea-sized brain and equally insignificant genitals, the best way to impress the ladies is by noisily riding your motorcycle at high speed. Extra points for inflicting noise pollution on a quiet residential street or a beach. There’s no need to wear a pesky mask, let alone a helmet, as your premature demise will improve the gene pool.
Pay no heed to sponsored articles urging you to squander money at expensive restaurants. Instead, waste your money on online orders of expensive traditional delicacies, such as tiger penis soup and spicy Komodo claws. Impecunious students can send each other a plastic-wrapped, sugar-laden drink. Just remember, failure to share boring photos of your food and drinks on social media carries the death penalty.
Say it with Flowers.
Forget the stupidly overpriced roses. In times of pandemic, opt for a medicinal bouquet of garlic, ginger and eucalyptus sprigs, topped with Javanese smurfberry flowers. Men desirous of conveying their amorous intentions should send a massive titan arum (amorphophallus titanium) flower. This will cost a fortune, but Valentine’s Day is all about showing off your financial and physical attributes by giving a flower whose name means “giant misshapen penis”.
Social Distancing Lubricants.
You really shouldn’t take your Tinder date to an illegally open bar to loosen social inhibitions. Especially when your meagre US$250,000 expat salary has been cut by 20 percent, so you’ve had to switch from imported Little Cretins™ craft beer to illicitly brewed Luwak Arak® (an unusual drink, distilled from urine of the Asian palm civet cat). Downing an entire bottle of this jungle juice at home will give you sufficient confidence to call anyone, declare your undying love and misinterpret their annoyed response.
Cemeteries have long been places where courting couples can enjoy some hands-on romance. You’re unlikely to disturbed by the moral vigilantes in Casper costumes because of fear of unfriendly ghosts. However, amatory privacy cannot be guaranteed, as cemeteries become increasingly crowded with stiffs.
If you’re a moronic celebrity with a history of drug abuse and myriads of halfwit followers, you might qualify as a vaccine guinea pig. You should then flaunt your vaccinated status at a house party for pampered brats of the elite, where no one bothers to wear a mask or practice social distancing. Romantic action a certainty when you regale guests with your hilarious vaccination joke about “just a little prick”.
Can’t take your date to the cinema for some back-row canoodling? No problem. Simply stream a movie simultaneously from your respective homes. Then switch to webcams and make your own movie. Remember to secretly record your partner so you can also star in a legal drama for violating Indonesia’s Information and Electronic Transactions Law.
Don’t risk being busted in a musty hotel room by overzealous public order officials. Instead, arrange to “coincidentally” meet your date in a supermarket. If your date doesn’t show up, then why not take the opportunity to enjoy some health food? Remember that zucchinis, carrots and cucumbers are all better than an elongated eggplant, despite what the emojis say.
When you can’t be with the one you love, then make a video call. And if you still can’t get any satisfaction, then try binge-watching some uplifting romantic videos while engaging in digital dexterity (composing a love letter to yourself). Maintaining an upright posture and keeping your hand in the correct positions can help prevent back, wrist and other unfortunate injuries.
Passionate couples living apart during lockdown can get close by being creative and embracing the spirit of recycling. Simply find your oldest pair of underpants, get out the sewing machine and refashion them into a stylish mask. Have your partner do the same. These exquisitely sexy masks can then be exchanged via courier by 14 February, keeping you intimately close. Stay safe and stay romantic.
Photos courtesy of Pexels